Moving Basecamp

The Hamilton line ‘why do you write like you’re running out of time’ keeps playing around in my head. My therapist Angel, says a lot to me ‘write, write WRITE’. Writing is my escape, but also my way of connecting with myself. The fact I now write so others can read some of it just increases that connection. Of course I leave out far more than I put in but even this small amount feels exposing. Yet, here I am.

Things are constantly evolving and shifting for me. Breaking down some very long held barriers and opening up about my experiences has moved me to a completely new place. That move hasn’t been easy. In fact it’s felt like some of the hardest work I’ve ever had to do, just to hang on by my finger tips. The pain of the reality that’s been unlocked I wish no one had to experience and you should feel lucky if you can’t imagine what I’m talking about. But once that veil has been lifted it seems it can never go back. I am not who I was a few short weeks ago and I doubt I will ever be again.

Part of this shift has been starting to meet others who share my experience. I’ve joined some groups that are no longer anonymous, also they involve seeing others via zoom, not hiding behind my words on a screen. But it’s lifechanging. The sense of connection, of belonging, of knowing. In some ways it adds to the pain as my reality sinks in, but now I am not alone. No one is questioning why I need to talk about things or saying they don’t understand. It gives me an outlet I never knew I needed and I’m deeply grateful.

What I’ve also realised, just in the past few days is that basecamp has also moved. Maybe I’m further up the mountain - I don’t know. But certainly what I need to sustain me at basecamp is not the same as when I first built it. Some things have stayed, or been adapted but there is more room for reflection and connection as I grow to understand what I need to survive. Eventually I suspect basecamp will become just about living my life, understanding the triggers that surround me and what I need to overcome or ride those. I am not there yet. Triggers wait around every corner and the past few weeks have been a deluge of flashbacks I can’t control and don’t really want. Yet, here I am.

My mind can go through a thousand scenarios in a few minutes, my ability to interpret what others are saying is skewed by this tricky brain. It is exhausting and also hard to navigate. Also not easy for those around me, those closest to me and also those not so close or who I work with. The impacts of this go far. I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma informed workplaces, organisations where people spend so much of their time and yet are so unsupported and misunderstood. Something for another day….I’ve had to take some time off work, in the end it was my line manager who pushed me in that direction and finally a GP who was willing to give me time and space. Do not underestimate what it means to just have someone see and hear you, even for a moment, when you think you are invisible. We can all be that person for someone!

I know this post is disjointed, a collection of thoughts that I haven’t really planned. Other than to say I’m still here. I’m still working this all through. I’m growing into a new space some of which is familiar and lots isn’t. But I’m trusting it’s where I need to be in this moment.