Something has shifted…
Two posts in one month - this is pretty unheard of. To be honest I was going to actually write a post to my therapist. I mean I’ve seen her twice this week already, but I’m pretty sure she loves to hear from me…😂 Instead I thought why not share my musings and thoughts with you all?
Interesting my last post ended with me wondering if I’d be able to find my voice, that I had run out of things to say and now, here I am able to say more quite quickly. This is because things are changing. I’ve been with my therapist Angel for nearly 3 years and I’m pretty sure she’s not just an angel but a saint as her patience with me knows no bounds. She has sat with me through some pretty rough stuff, nudging me in the right direction. Sometimes simply holding space for the grief, the pain and now the emerging anger. It can’t be a pleasant job to hear someone’s trauma and details of things that no one should experience let alone listen to. But she has.
Which meant she was with me on Tuesday as I shared some of the most painful memories I’ve yet shared, as we talked about how it made me feel and as something inside shifted. I felt it. Instantly, a physical change, an understanding I didn’t have before, it was so powerful I opened my eyes. (I spend almost all my therapy sessions with my eyes either closed or unable to look at my therapists). I still couldn’t look at the screen, but I could look down at the paper in front of me and make notes.
Be me, not them. There is still life to be lived. I’m allowed to feel all of these feelings. I don’t need to seek permission, I AM permission.
It was a revelation. It still is. Even today we had another session. The last of my twice weekly ones for a while. And not only were my eyes open the entire time, I looked at the screen - at Angel - several times. She noticed it. It made her smile. It made me smile. We have been parked in a lay-by for quite a while now. Or at basecamp. Or any of these places that I have described as somewhere to feel warm, safe, surrounded by things I need. But the reality is this is a journey, it always has been. And being parked is fine, but at some point to heal and grow around my pain, I have to be moving.
Which means I’m back in the car. My little parts safely strapped in their car seats, the angry ones sitting alongside, occupied and safe to know that actually they can feel angry. They should feel angry! Angel said we’re driving to Scotland. I don’t think so, I think we were when we first met. But now - well, now I may go somewhere with a bit more sunshine and where I don’t know anyone but there is space for my friends to come and stay, we can explore, relax, have fun. Find joy.
There is joy to be found. We cannot go back and change the past, I think it is important for me to understand my past, to explore it, to listen to it, to respect what they all went through and I am far from finished with that part of this journey. But this isn’t basecamp, or anywhere I’ve been before. I’m a bit scared when I look around and see something totally alien to me, I’m learning skills that I haven’t had. Fantastic books (I’ll put them below) are teaching me about emotional regulation, recognising emotions, how to manage anger, how to communicate with people, to set boundaries. It is endless.
It’s hard work. It’s slow work. But it is important to help me grow, heal and find a life. No one who knows has questioned my experiences and I am no longer questioning myself. Acceptance is at the heart of this shift. No feelings are off limits. Tomorrow if I can’t get out of bed, that’s okay (although parkrun may be in trouble…). I have not swallowed a miracle cure and had an epiphany that says everything is fine now and I’m going to change my whole life. It would be fine if I had though. But that’s not what I’m saying. The shift is small, but solid. The life I am building is new, different. I have grief for those that will be left behind but also gratitude that they gave me things which helped me get here.
I have a voice. There is a lot I want to say and start saying, so I guess you’d best watch this space….
Book List (and instagram links):
What My Bones Know - Stephanie Foo @foofoofoo
There’s Still No Such Thing as ‘Naughty’ - Kate Silverton @katesilverton
It’s not You - Ramani Durvasula @doctorramani
Permission to Feel - Marc Brackett @marc.brackett