I remember Glennon Doyle once saying that no one writes when they’re in the middle of stuff, it’s always when you’ve come out of the other side or are healed. It’s true, it’s also why I try to keep this blog as I’m in the messy middle (see previous post!), there is no easy way round all of this now. I’m going headfirst and it’s hard, really hard. I think the diagnosis has also helped me grasp what I’m dealing with. My brain isn’t working quite the same as other people’s.
Things build up and up and up until they explode. The smallest thing can be a trigger that I don’t even recognise; and the next may be impacted by the first until blow after blow it all falls down. “Normal reactions to abnormal things” is a phrase Meg, one of my therapists, is fond of using and it helps. Realising what things are triggers is hard. I always thought I understood my triggers but actually it was a seemingly innocuous exchange at parkrun on Saturday, which I knew upset me but didn’t know why. I couldn’t shake it off and the tears wouldn’t stop.
By Sunday morning I was in hell, suicidal thoughts and plans were front and centre. I had several things I was meant to be doing that morning and I wasn’t sure I would be able to. Absolute panic gripped every part of of me. BUT I got myself out of the door, took part in my Mental Health Mates walk that I lead. Tried to be myself. Monday, is that only yesterday? Well, Monday was hard I felt I was running out of road, everything says you can’t rush this, Meg and Angel are clear there is no time limit on processing and healing. But if you’ve carried this for 50 years you want it gone. How much longer will I allow myself to wait?
Thankfully I had put a session in with Meg for last night, I was upset as I had not wanted to be in such a negative space. I wanted to focus on what I thought I needed to. Well turns out my body had other ideas. I was exactly where I needed to be. Triggered, multiple times - Saturday, Sunday, Monday - a conversation about my assessment - two weeks on and still not submitted to my GP! Right at the edge of what I can cope and deal with. And it came falling out of me. EFT is so physical, ever ounce of my body experiences what I’m feeling and releasing.
The trigger had activated my full-on self hate mode, that feeling I became expert at in my teens and twenties. That leads me to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. A simple comment from someone that they probably don’t remember reinforced all my self-beliefs, which then combined with another trigger that makes me feel too-much, like this is all my fault and BOOM! Yet last night the boom was different and so powerful as I put all the pieces together; the self-belief that isn’t true, the fact that actually what has happened with a friend isn’t my fault, isn’t fair on me and I’m allowed to be angry.
In one blissful moment - after taking me to the edge of what I called ‘flipping’ as a young adult, potentially disassociation in reality, as I could feel myself slipping away with just a quiet voice in the distance, telling me I wasn’t alone, everything shaking - it stopped. Everything stopped. Like the eye of a storm. I was calm. I had clarity. I could see how it all fitted together and I actually said ‘it’s not my fault’ when Meg asked me what I needed to tell myself. If that wasn’t enough I found myself saying ‘when I get through this’ - WHEN! And then I laughed, we laughed, I didn’t know who I was in that moment. It felt alien but it also felt warm and safe.
What I know now is I was feeling hope. In that one moment I had hope, hope that after all this pain and hard work I am learning, I’m growing and I’m being held safe by those who love me and by two amazing women who have made their lives about supporting and helping others.
Now none of us are naive in this. A breakthrough to be sure, back at basecamp and with more understanding. The road hasn’t run out, I’ve created some space. Learning all the time. So next time this happens. As it will happen. I will be triggered and there is still a giant elephant in the room I’m not facing. But I’m getting better at moving through and I can spot the signs and the danger zone more easily. I know who I can trust and who keeps me safe and that in itself is enough.
